As I near the end of my pregnancy, carrying my second child, my anxiety rises. I wonder how I can possibly love another baby like I love my sweet daughter, Harleigh. I wonder how I could abandon her like this and bring another baby into our lives who will steal some of the attention she is so accustomed to.
I have great days, where I love the idea of holding our son (yes, it’s a PENIS this time!) while Harleigh plays near us or I read them both a book. Then I have not so great days, where I want to just snuggle her and will time to stop, while shutting out the idea of another baby.
It’s not that I wish we weren’t having another baby…at least I don’t think it is. It’s just the fear of how things will change. And how will I handle the needs of TWO children?
My wife is an amazing support system but we made the decision after Harleigh was born to rearrange things so that I could be the primary care provider at home so she could work more. So, as I’m holding Harleigh after she fell down and cried, or is sleepy and cranky, or just snuggling in with a book I think to myself, “How will this be possible with another child?” Especially a newborn and once my wife goes back to work?!
Enter the mommy guilt.
Horrible stuff, but very real. The guilt of whether you are doing and saying the right things. The guilt that makes you want to cry after you read the book “Go the Fuck to Sleep” and find yourself nodding your head and saying “Amen!”
It’s the guilt that tells me I was selfish to want another baby and to do this to my precious daughter who is only 17 months old and won’t understand why mommy can’t hold her all the time. And she already notices because, at 8 months pregnant, I can’t hold her as often as I get tired more and she just wants to be held like she always has.
After I allow these thoughts (and so many more!) to carry me away, sometimes into despair, I slowly reel myself back in and take a deep breath. I remember what people have told me and what my head knows to be true but that my heart is so scared to believe.
That I am enough. My wife is enough. We are amazing parents. Harleigh is loved and will continue to be loved just as much as she always has. And somehow, this little boy will feel an equal amount of love because, as The Grinch found out, your heart truly can grow many sizes in a single instant.
I’m scared and thrilled for this next chapter in our lives. God help us and thank you for these crazy blessings we call our children!
Authored by: Kathleen Rucka